Photo by Susan Sterner. Public Domain
It’s that time of year again, when we gather as a nation and watch a guy who lost an election by millions lay out his policy goals for the country. It’s a speech where FDR outlined the Four Freedoms that would serve as a beacon of decency around the world, where LBJ declared War on Poverty, where Bill Clinton told the poor to go f**k themselves and Justice Alito made his ignorance of basic Con Law a GIF that will live forever. So it’s safe to say we were already locked in a downward spiral before we got to this moment.
Go ahead and drink to lament the fall of the Republic. Think that’s a bit melodramatic? There’s an honest discussion at the highest levels of political discourse in this country about the importance of honoring the Confederacy. Why not just finish your first beer now and get another before the game starts… we’ll wait for you.
Unless otherwise noted, take a sip whenever these come up:
Every absent Supreme Court justice: You can handle this during the catwalk to the rostrum. This gets you a few solid sips in as a base before the serious malaise begins.
Announcer notes that RBG isn’t attending: As we all know, RBG won’t be making it to the SOTU this year. She’s put on something of a show at past addresses for seemingly falling asleep. But, little known fact, the State of the Union is the only time Justice Ginsburg sleeps all year. She’s just pushups and jurisprudence the rest of the year. Finish your drink if Fox uses this opportunity to say she’s losing it.
Cuts to SCOTUS: There will be a lot of wild camera work during this speech, but take a sip whenever you see the robed ones.
Russian meddling investigation mention: Why would an embattled president explicitly call out the scandal hanging over his head? Well… this guy did it:
If Trump goes with “one year of Russian hacking and pee tapes is enough!” go ahead and finish your drink.
Fires Bob Mueller from the podium: This probably should be a “finish your drink” but it’s so likely that seems unfair. Frankly, he has every reason to do it.
Full standing ovation: At some point, Trump is going to say he likes puppies.
Gorsuch gives an inappropriate standing ovation: The Accidental Jurist is already taking wildly inappropriate partisan strategy meetings with lawmakers and contributing in-kind to Trump’s pocketbook, why not explode the illusion entirely.
Mentions any amendment: It’s not entirely likely, but Trump’s media hatred might see a mention of the First slip. And his eagerness to reconnect with his base might elicit his critique of the Thirteenth.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions/Department of Justice shoutout: And this includes the FBI, whose deputy director is leaving and is at the center of the House’s latest Pizzagate in a teapot.
Offers a violent crime anecdote: The crime rate continues to fall, but reality just can’t get in the way of the private prison lobby!
Commentator refers to the State of the Union as “constitutionally required”: Kind of being a know-it-all, but OK. Two sips here.
Commentator notes that “the President doesn’t actually need to give a speech”: Finish your drink. Lousy gunner.
Proudly takes credit for tariffs on washing machines: Take a cement mixer shot — that’s kind of like a washing machine — and don’t throw up, because you can’t afford a washing machine anymore.
Opioids: Sip if he mentions them, chug if he takes a few during the speech.
(Post-Speech) Every claim that his speech was “presidential”: Lowered expectations are the hobgoblin of idiots trying to fill air time.
No comments:
Post a Comment